I don’t know about you but this week’s topic is one that even after 12 years together, we still struggle with.
They say there are five love languages:
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
If you found someone who shares the same love language as you, hold on tightly to them. It’s a rare occurrence. Expressing and receiving love in different ways is one of the biggest reasons Casey & I fight.
For years I would get so frustrated because Casey wasn’t giving me exactly what I needed. It took a lot of growing up to realize that he never could fully fulfill it because he didn’t give love the way I needed to receive it. We’re polar opposites.
Let me elaborate. Back in my first blog, I shared how Casey has trouble saying, “No”, to his friends, family and friends of friends if someone needs help. It DRIVES ME CRAZY. I view these “friends” as moochers. They always need something but give so little in return. Casey thrives off of helping people. He’s the person who goes out looking for people stuck in ditches when it snows, he’s a volunteer firefighter.
Just thinking about handling all of my tasks, my business and trying to do things for people that I’m not even that close to overwhelms me. It is not in my DNA to serve people in that way. I’ll do it, but I have to be asked and I fully expect the favor to be returned.
Casey is a natural born, Acts of Service, love language person. In our marriage, it means that he does these small gestures to show that he cares. He’ll leave the porch light on when I’m working a late wedding. He’ll bring the car around when I’m getting ready to go somewhere. He’ll deep clean the kitchen without being asked.
He likes to serve people. I appreciate the gestures fully. However, I view each one as we’re married and expected to do things for one another. It doesn’t sweep me off my feet.
What I need in order to feel loved and appreciated are Words of Affirmation. Casey is horrible at this. Since the time we were married, I will specifically ask him what he thinks of my hair, my outfit, how I look, what he thinks of my photos because he doesn’t think to do it on his own. For YEARS, he’d purposely ignore my questions because he said, “I don’t like people trying to make me answer something” and I’d yell at him, “THEN SAY IT WITHOUT ME HAVING TO ASK!”
Yeah. That went over so wonderfully.
I also give love differently than what Casey needs. My gosh. He needs me to touch him at all times. Hold his hand, cuddle during the movie, sleep in his arms, be in his arms while I cook… I have no sense of personal space around this man. I have never been a touchy-feely person. I have a bubble and I like to stay to my own space unless I invite him in. But he needs that physical touch to let him know I find him attractive, I love him and that I want to spend time with him.
The way I give love is something I talked about in last week’s blog. What is the number one reason Casey and I fought so much when we were first married?
He didn’t let me spend time with him.
I give love by spending time with people and not just by watching a movie. I mean, talking in depth, planning vacations, surprising them with outings, making a dinner to enjoy together. When I love someone, I want to make memories with them. Casey has a hard time allowing me to give my love in this way because he is so dang busy doing his Acts of Service for anyone and everyone.
The bottom line is, we have different ways we show and give love; and it took us years to come to terms that we needed to put forth more effort in order to help the other achieve theirs. Meaning, since it doesn’t come naturally to us, we have to mentally work at what each other needs.
Casey has to let me give him more of my time so I can gift him with my utmost attention and quality time plans. I have to give him more physical touch. It’s all about finding the balance to help both you and your partner give and receive love in the way they were born to do.
So how do you and your fiance/spouse love? Leave it in the comments and let’s see what’s most popular. 🙂